At 85, David is the primary carer for his wife Pam, 81, who has dementia. They have been married for more than 60 years and want to keep living together in their own home for as long as they can.
Until recently, David thought they were doing pretty well. But when he broke his ankle and suddenly found himself in hospital for 10 days, Pam was left at home without the person who had been caring for her around the clock.
“One thing this has taught me and shown me is that the veneer is a bit thin,” David says. “I only have to have a hiccup and we’re into full-time care for Pam. And she’s not ready for that, and I wouldn’t be happy with that either.”
Fortunately, David had already put some support in place. He and Pam had started using RockPool Collective for two half-days a week, partly funded through Carer Support, giving David a chance to keep doing some of the things he enjoyed – yoga on a Tuesday morning and urban sketching on a Wednesday – while someone spent time with Pam.
But those regular visits had given them something else too. They had allowed Pam to build a relationship with RockPool Rep Christine.
“She’s lovely. We hit it off super well. She likes Pam and Pam likes her,” David says. “Christine is more like a friend now than an employee or someone paid.”
Over time, Christine has become someone David describes as a “quasi daughter” and knows they can rely on.
“She is our person,” David says.
That relationship became especially important when David broke his ankle and unexpectedly ended up in hospital. Their two sons stepped in to help care for Pam, while Christine and another RockPool Rep, Carole, were able to provide additional support. Instead of having to introduce a stranger into Pam’s life in the middle of a crisis, a familiar face was available to step in.
“When the chips were down and I went into hospital, Christine just dropped everything and looked after Pam,” David says. “It was brilliant, just absolutely brilliant.”
For David, knowing Pam was with people she already knew and trusted took some of the pressure off at a time when he was dealing with his own injury and an unexpected hospital stay.
“I can only imagine how stressful it would have been without people like Christine able to help, who knew me and knew what our situation was,” he says.
Just a week after David finally came home, he suffered a significant stomach bleed and was admitted to hospital for another week.
The family suddenly found themselves in the same position again, and once again the relationships they already had in place meant there were people who knew Pam and could step in to support her.
David is now back home with Pam and recovering. He still can’t drive, so their RockPool support has shifted with them, with Christine helping get them to hospital appointments.
He jokes that he and Pam are currently working as “two parts of a whole”. “I provide the brain and she provides the legs. But we’re surviving. We’re a bit slow, but we’re managing.”
The experience has reinforced for David just how important it is to have support in place, and how quickly circumstances can change for someone caring for the person they love.
“Being a carer is all downhill. It’s not like you can say we’ll just get over this hump, and it will get better. It just gets harder.”
His advice to other carers is not to wait until they reach breaking point before bringing someone else into their lives.
“I’d say to anyone that they have to bring someone in to help even if they think they are managing,” he says. “One thing you have to do as a carer is look after yourself. If you give yourself a nervous breakdown by caring too much, you’re going to end up not being able to fulfil the function.
“You may think you’re bulletproof at the start, but it will wear you down.”
For David and Pam, those two half-days of support began as a way for David to have some time for himself while continuing to care for Pam at home. But by putting that support in place early, they also had time to build a relationship with someone Pam trusted – long before they knew how much they would need her.